Loosing our precious baby Trevor has been the most difficult thing that we have ever gone through. We never imagined that this would happen to anyone we know, much less us. There isnt a day that goes by that we dont think about him. I would even go as far as saying that there isnt a waking moment, that we aren't thinking about him. My heart is broken. There is a constant pain in my chest. I feel like this is a dream. I know Trevor is in a better place now, but it doesnt make me feel any better. I want him here with me. I want to be able to rock him, sing to him, and most of all kiss his sweet little face. I feel an emptiness inside of me. This precious child grew inside of me for 8 months. We bonded. We loved each other unconditionally. We had big dreams for him. Even until the day he died, we planned on bringing him home. I know my heart will be broken until the day I get to hold him again. We still have his room set up just the way it was. With his toys, clothes in the closet and drawers, crib made up and changing table with diapers and wipes that will never be used. I go in there everynight and imagine him sleeping in his crib. I may wear a smile on my face, but I'm not happy. I know it will get easier with time. I remember going into th NICU that day with Dustin. We had been in there several times that day. But this time was different. All the nurses were over there. His heart rate was dropping by the second, 60, 58, 55. They told us that we had two choices. Either hold him while he's alive, or when he's dead. The most awful words that a parent can be told. We walked out the room and made it the the hallway and lost it. I've been with Dustin over 7 years, and never once seen him cry...until now. Trevor not making it was never a thought, until now. We knew it was any minute. We finally got ourselves together, and walked down the NICU waiting room to tell the parents and family. I told my mom, "Trevor doesnt know what it's like to be held or kissed. All I want to do is kiss his forehead one time while he's still breathing." The nurses closed his room and allowed us and our parents to go in there. Finally, the moment I had been waiting for. Trevor was 36 days old, and I was finally getting to hold him. They unhooked the tubes, and bagged him so I could hold him while he was still alive. The first thing I did was kiss him. We held onto him with our life. I was wishing somehow, with him feeling my heartbeat, would cause his to pick back up. It didnt. Dustin held him. Then, the nursed stopped and took his tubes out. I was holding him as he was slowly drifting away. "Please dont leave me Trevor," I said. 10 Minutes later, he was in Heaven. He went straight from my arms, to Jesus'. I dont know why this happened to us. We would have loved him so much. He will always be our little baby. When soemone asks how many kids I have, I will always say two. He will be with us the rest of our lives. He was such a sweet littel boy, so strong. He had a head full of black hair and was the spitting image of his Daddy. I will cherish those wonderful 5 weeks that we had with him for the rest of my life. I would do it all over again, even if I knew I would only have him for 36 days. It was worth it all. Mommy, Daddy, and Landon loves you Trevor Lee Tedder, and we will see you again someday.
Here is a poem that my twin sister read during his Funeral:
For a brief and fleeting moment, an angel touched the ground;
With tiny wings and halo, and sweet, soft angel sounds.
Blessing the lives of others, in beauty and in grace;
Those who saw the angel, knew God had kissed his tiny face.
The angel came for reasons we may not understand;
A journey brief, with gifts so great, and guided by God's hand.
So, rest now tiny angel, your work on earth is through;
In the beauty of God's perfect love we saw His gift in you.
No comments:
Post a Comment