Losing Trevor

Losing our precious baby has been the most terrible thing to ever happen to us. I know alot of people who lose someone close to them, can see good things that has came out of it. I can't. Nothing good has came out of losing him. Maybe it hasn't been long enough for me to realize the good that has came out of it. My heart hurts now just as bad as it did the night I felt his little heart beat for the last time, if not worse. I just can't seem to get past the "why" part. Why us?? We would have loved Trevor with all our heart, and never would have caused him any pain. I guess it's harder for me to see any light at the end of the tunnel, b/c I have been told I cant have more kids. Well, I can, but the risks get greater and greater with every pregnancy. I could go get my tubes untied, get pregnant, and then can almost guarantee that eventually, my blood will start attacking the babies blood, and have to have blood transfusions again. There is no risk for me at all, just the baby. If I was guaranteed that NOTHING would happen to the baby, I would be at the Dr's office tomorrow getting a tubal reversal. I would have a blood transfusion every day for 9 months if I had to. No matter how bad the pain. I would temporarily move to Columbia. I know I cant go through losing another baby. Somehow, I feel like I could heal better if I had another baby. Maybe it's not really that I want one, but more like I need one. I planned on bringing a newborn baby home. Even up until the very second that his heart stopped, I knew he was coming home. I know I would be a different person if Trevor would have made it. I would be so happy and wouldn't want for anything else. He is all I wanted. It was suppose to be Dustin, Me, Landon and Trevor. What happened to our plans? It wasn't suppose to be like this. How can I go on? All I want to do is stay home and cry. I know that wouldn't make it any better. I just don't really know how I can go on living a "normal" life. With no pain. Even trying to make myself smile hurts. I am the kind of person that will keep everything in until I have to get it out. It has been a while since I have talked about my feelings. I thought it was about time to release them before I went crazy. I know Trevor is a beautiful Angel and I'm sure that everyone of our family members who have gone one before us, are fussing over who is holding him. And now, Heaven doesn't seem so far away. I use to dread thinking about that day that I would die and leave my home and family down here. But now, I have something to look forward to. I want to hold him and kiss him so bad. I am longing to hold him in my empty arms. Even Landon talks weekly about his brother. I had no idea that his little heart and mind would be so dramatically affected by this too. Last week, I bought a Willow Tree ornament in Columbia since I collect them. It was a family of 4 small plaque, with a silhouette for the mom, dad, and 2 brothers. Without missing a beat, Landon starting naming them. He said, "That's Mommy, Daddy, Landon and little Trevor." We were all in the living room and Dustin looked up at me and smiled. We didn't have to say a word. We both were so happy that Landon knew that Trevor is still included in our family. He also said last week that it was time for Trevor to come home. He said, "Daddy, go get him." If only it were that easy. If we could just look up towards Heaven and say, "Ok God. We would like to have our Trevor back now please." I wish. So, until the day that our family is made complete again, we will continue to talk about, write about, and dream about our Trevor.