I made it.....barely.

I collect Willow Tree figurines and when I seen this one, I knew I had to get it for Trevor's birthday. It's kinda like a present from him, to me. I. miss. him. I just love how she has her hand over her heart, like her heart is hurting. I knew that this was me. I sometimes feel like I have a sign over my head that says, "I miss you Trevor." I tend to wear my emotions on my face, like my mom, and I am trying to wrok better on that, for Landon's sake. He will see my crying and come and get on my lap and say, "Mommy, why are you crying? You miss Trevor?" He knows how I am hurting , but I also want him to know that I love him dearly and will ALWAYS be here for him, no matter what. Mommy loves you too Landon!

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. When I woke up, my first thought was, "Today is the 1st birthday of my precious son, and I can't share this day with him." My heart felt very heavy and hard. I was really undecided on how I wanted to celebrate his birthday. I actually didn't go get him a cake until Sunday afternoon. I went to Bilo with Dawn and got a cake that they had already prepared, and just got them to write "Happy Birthday Trevor" on it. I still had Landon's "1" candle from his first Birthday cake, so I just used it. Landon was really confused about it being Trevor's birthday. We were talking about it on the way to church, and Landon said, "Trevor's not a baby anymore? If he has a birthday now then he cant be a baby, but a big boy." I told him Trevor was still a small baby. And to me, he is still just 5 weeks old. Dustin and I went into Trevor's room, and just went through all his stuff that we had gotten him. All his clothes, toys, bath wash, and looked at the new changing table/dresser we got him. We fell in love with that dresser when we first saw it. We got it from an antique store in Hartsville, and it was the perfect size to use as a changing table, then as a dresser when he got older, and it matched his crib. When the man told us how much it was, Dustin reached into his pocket, and had the exact amount the man asked for it. We knew that was a sign that it was meant for us to get it. One day while we were in the NICU waiting room, I was having one of my many breakdowns and Dustin said, "Denise, you remember the changing table we got him?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Remember I had the exact amount the man wanted for it in my pocket. That was a sign that we needed to get it. And we WILL be using it for him." I clung to those words. Even after Trevor was gone, I remember telling Dustin, "You told me everything was going to be ok. That we were going to use his changing table." I still have my bad days, and not-so-bad days. I was going to go visit is grave yesterday, but I didn't. I wanted it to be a happy day, and I knew that me going there wasn't going to make it better. No Mother wants to visit their child's grave on their birthday. I know he's not there. So I didn't see any point of making it worse on me or anyone else for that matter. So Happy Birthday my little Angel. Mommy loves you very much!