He hasn't forgotten him....

Last night after supper, Landon went and sat on the couch. He had a book in his hand and after looking at it closer, I realized it was Trevor's photo album. It broke my heart. I went over there and sat down with him,as he looked through the album. Trevor had alot of stuff he was hooked up to, ventilator, blood pressure cuff, heart monitor, and ect. It overwhelmed Landon and he kept asking, "What happened to Trevor?", "He got a boo-boo?" I just kept telling him that Trevor didnt feel good and was sick. I know that Landon still remembers him. We talked about him for over 9 months and even moved Landon to the extra bedroom and turned his room into Trevor's. The other night I was in the Kitchen cleaning up, and Landon was looking in all the cabinets saying, "I can't find him mommy, I cant find him." I said, "What are you looking for Landon?", thinking he had misplaced a toy or something. He said, "I cant find Baby Trevor." Again, it felt like my heart stopped beating, and I just stood there staring at Landon with a solid look on his face. He really was trying to find his baby brother. I know that we will never forget him and he will be talked about all the time. Me and Dustin laughed and cried thinking about what we would have dressed Trevor up for this Halloween. I'll be honest, I didnt feel like getting out and "celebrating" Halloween this year, but I did it for Landon. I must continue to do things for him even though it hurts to think that I should always be caring around another child, no matter where I go, or what I'm doing. I can't quite understand how I can miss someone so much, and only had him for such a short time. It helps to have someone to talk to. I don't know what I would do if I didnt have Mom, Dawn or Dustin. I went and visited Trevor's grave Tuesday, and as soon as I left I had to call Mom. She listened to me cry and grieve over him for about 30 minutes, and would have longer if I needed her. It makes me feel so great that Trevor will never be forgotten. His memories will live on forver. We love and miss you sweet baby of mine.

2K Halloween Party

Landon's 2K class had a Halloween Party on Friday. Landon went as a monkey! Me and Daddy couldnt be there because I had to have out-patient surgery that day, but Amber went with her little boy, Jackson, who is in the same class with Landon, and took some pictures for us! Thank you so much Amber! It looks like Landon had a blast!

Cookies!!!

Sunday afternoon was the perfect weather for baking some warm chocolate chip cookies! Landon even decorated some with sprinkels! Me, Daddy, and Landon enjoyed our cookies with some cold milk! I cant wait for some more days like this!

It's a Pirate... no its a Carolina Football Player!

This year for Halloween, Landon wanted to be a pirate! So we went and got him the outfit and was pretty confident that was what he was going to be. We were about to walk out the door, when Landon decided he wanted to be a Gamecock Football Player. Now that football season is here, he is really getting in to the games(I think he just like standing in front of the TV with Daddy hollering at the Refs and football players). Well, we had the pants, Carolina jersey, and hat so we threw it together. I went and got some black lipstick to put under his eyes and he thought he was the toughest football player ever! He kept showing everyone his black eyes! He was tough and when we woke up the next morning to go to Church, he wanted to wear the black strips again! I had to convince him to wait until we got home! I told Dustin that next year he was going to be a Clemson Football player, and he said that was going too far! I hate my little man was a Carolina football player the same night they blew their game, but Landon is a true Carolina fan!

Jack-O-Lantern

We had a blast carving our very first pumpkin together. Landon had a blast and loved getting the "yucky" stuff out of the pumpkin. We went outside every night and lit the pumpkin. That was Landon's favorite part. We cant wait until next year so we can do this all over again!

Pumpkin' Pickin'

We headed down to Mcleod Farms and got us a couple of pumpkins this year. We ate at our favorite place, Bigs, while we were there too. Landon loved it and had such a fun time. We ended up with 2 pumpkins. 2 to carve, and 1 small one for Landon to color and paint on and keep in the house.

Landon starts 2K

Landon started 2k this year at First Baptist Church. We both love it! He started a week late because of everything that had been going on, but he fits right in. When I took him to school that first day, he asked me, "Mommy, where are you going?" I told him I had to go do some grocery shopping but I would be back soon. He turned around and went straight to the table and started doing a puzzle! I can't believe how much of a big boy he is now. He was pottie trained at 2 1/2 years old so I am extra proud of him. He loves it and I cant wait to pick him up to see what all he has done that day. He loves his Teachers Miss Jordan and Miss Becca, and talks about all his "Friends" daily. We are so excited that he is enjoying himself.

Rice Krispie Treats...YUMMY!

We never made Rice Krispies Treat with Landon before so we decided it was time! We couldnt believe how big of a help Landon was. He followed the directions so good and they were the BEST treats me and Dustin ever had! Landon is such a big boy!

Pics from July

Heaven's Sweetest Angel

Loosing our precious baby Trevor has been the most difficult thing that we have ever gone through. We never imagined that this would happen to anyone we know, much less us. There isnt a day that goes by that we dont think about him. I would even go as far as saying that there isnt a waking moment, that we aren't thinking about him. My heart is broken. There is a constant pain in my chest. I feel like this is a dream. I know Trevor is in a better place now, but it doesnt make me feel any better. I want him here with me. I want to be able to rock him, sing to him, and most of all kiss his sweet little face. I feel an emptiness inside of me. This precious child grew inside of me for 8 months. We bonded. We loved each other unconditionally. We had big dreams for him. Even until the day he died, we planned on bringing him home. I know my heart will be broken until the day I get to hold him again. We still have his room set up just the way it was. With his toys, clothes in the closet and drawers, crib made up and changing table with diapers and wipes that will never be used. I go in there everynight and imagine him sleeping in his crib. I may wear a smile on my face, but I'm not happy. I know it will get easier with time. I remember going into th NICU that day with Dustin. We had been in there several times that day. But this time was different. All the nurses were over there. His heart rate was dropping by the second, 60, 58, 55. They told us that we had two choices. Either hold him while he's alive, or when he's dead. The most awful words that a parent can be told. We walked out the room and made it the the hallway and lost it. I've been with Dustin over 7 years, and never once seen him cry...until now. Trevor not making it was never a thought, until now. We knew it was any minute. We finally got ourselves together, and walked down the NICU waiting room to tell the parents and family. I told my mom, "Trevor doesnt know what it's like to be held or kissed. All I want to do is kiss his forehead one time while he's still breathing." The nurses closed his room and allowed us and our parents to go in there. Finally, the moment I had been waiting for. Trevor was 36 days old, and I was finally getting to hold him. They unhooked the tubes, and bagged him so I could hold him while he was still alive. The first thing I did was kiss him. We held onto him with our life. I was wishing somehow, with him feeling my heartbeat, would cause his to pick back up. It didnt. Dustin held him. Then, the nursed stopped and took his tubes out. I was holding him as he was slowly drifting away. "Please dont leave me Trevor," I said. 10 Minutes later, he was in Heaven. He went straight from my arms, to Jesus'. I dont know why this happened to us. We would have loved him so much. He will always be our little baby. When soemone asks how many kids I have, I will always say two. He will be with us the rest of our lives. He was such a sweet littel boy, so strong. He had a head full of black hair and was the spitting image of his Daddy. I will cherish those wonderful 5 weeks that we had with him for the rest of my life. I would do it all over again, even if I knew I would only have him for 36 days. It was worth it all. Mommy, Daddy, and Landon loves you Trevor Lee Tedder, and we will see you again someday.

Here is a poem that my twin sister read during his Funeral:

For a brief and fleeting moment, an angel touched the ground;
With tiny wings and halo, and sweet, soft angel sounds.

Blessing the lives of others, in beauty and in grace;
Those who saw the angel, knew God had kissed his tiny face.

The angel came for reasons we may not understand;
A journey brief, with gifts so great, and guided by God's hand.

So, rest now tiny angel, your work on earth is through;
In the beauty of God's perfect love we saw His gift in you.

Our Angels

The last week has been very stressfull, emotional, hard, depressing, unbearable, overwhelming, tiring, difficult, but at the same time it has been joyful. As you know, I was scheduled to have another blood transfusion Thursday, August 6th at Palmetto Richland in Columbia. Everything went good with the procedure, so they have to monitor me for 4 hours after to make sure the baby does good. It is very stressful for him to have this done. They first have to put a large needle through my stomach and give him some medicine in his thigh to paralyzy him during the procedure to make sure he doesnt move. After we give it a couple of minutes to work, they then stick a 30 inch needle throught my stomach, go through the uterus and placenta, to the umbilical cord and transfer all the new blood through there. It usually takes about 1 hour to do it, and I am awale the whole time. It is painful for me too, but I can handle it. The baby's heart rate kept going down so they decided to keep me and do an ultrasound Friday. Friday during the ultrasound, they couldnt get the baby to move at all, and his heart rate kept going down all during the day so they had to keep me one more night. They said they will redo the ultrasound Sat morning. He still wouldnt move then, and his heart rate just dropped down so they had to do an emergency c-section. He came out weighing 6lb 8oz, but over 2 pounds of that was fluid that was trapped in his body. He looked real swollen and I never heard him cry, so I know something was wrong. He came out with no heartbeat, or heartrate. I had to get my tubes tide b/c it would be too risky for me to have another child, and the Drs. kept asking me while I was on the operating table if I was sure that I wanted them tied b/c it looked like my baby wasnt going to make it. I had no choice but to get them tied. I didnt get to see Trevor the first day he was born, and was really scared to b/c all the Drs. kept telling me how sick he looked. I finally was able to see him Sunday and when I did, I just lost it. I broke down. He looked so swollen and pitiful, that all I could thing about was that it was my fault that he was like that. He stayed on 100% oxygen for 2 days, and his kidneys didnt work for the first 2 days. As of today, August 16th, he is on 31% oxygen, his pee output is real good, and he is doing alot better. He was getting 4 blood platlet transfusions a day, which a normal premie gets one or two a week. They have cut that down to 2 a day, and he had a blood transfusion last night. He still is real swollen. He hasnt been able to open his eyes, or move his arms or legs b/c he is so swoll, but I know he is on the road to recovery. All the nurses and Drs. say they didnt think he was going to make it over the first weekend he was here, so we already know he is a miracle and a strong little boy. We might be here a couple of more weeks, months, or days. It just depends on how he does. Landon is doing good and he is staying with the grandparents. They switch off every day or so with him, and we got to keep him Thursday - Saturday. He misses us and knows he has a brother who is sick in the Hospital. He hasnt been able to see him yet. We are so blessed to be at Palmetto b/c their NICU is number 1 in SC and number 3 in the Nation. Please continue to remember baby Trevor and all the other babies in the NICU.

Putting him to work early....

Dustin's riding lawnmower quit on him last week, and we needed our grass cut. We knew we couldn't wait until it got fixed, so he went over to his Daddy's house and got his push mower. Well, Landon has never seen Dustin cut the grass with the push mower, and when he seen him get it off the truck, he ran and got his lawn mower so he could help Daddy! I just thought it was the cutest thing ever, and had to grab my camera. He is going to be a good Daddy's helper!

Playing in the Rain....

When it rains, we love to sit on the porch and blow bubbles. However, on this particular day last week, Landon kept slowly moving from the porch, to the steps, to the ground. I told him to come back on the porch before he got wet. Then I thought, "He is a 2 year old, and rain never hurt anyone, right?" So I asked Dustin to run and get my carmera, and I was going to take pictures of Landon in the rain! Landon thought it was so funny that he was playing in the rain and getting wet! Here are some of my favorite pictures of him.

Beach Vacation 2009

With it being our last vacation as a family of 3, we decided this vacation would be all about Landon. He is such a sweet child, and we know that once the baby gets here, alot of attention will be on him. So we headed down to my sister's Beach house in Garden City! There is a salt-water pond right in front of the house, so Landon had fun feeding the Swans and ducks the whole week too! We didnt know it was Bike Week, but it wasnt bad at all and Landon loved seeing all the motorcycles! We went to Ripley's Aquarium and Landon LOVED it! We couldn't believe how interested he was in knowing what all the fish were, and their names. He was an angel the whole day. After that, we walked around Broadway and feed the fish and ducks and got some Fudge! We also went to Dixie Stampede! Landon loved seeing all the horsies, and was perfect the whole show. He just stood up and watched the whole show without moving an inch. He wouldn't touch the horses though. We finished up the week by going to a Myrlte Beach Pelican's baseball game. Landon has been to several games, but this one was more enjoyable since he "understands" the concept of baseball since him and Daddy are in the yard everyday playing. Here are some photos of our last vacation as a family of 3!