What's been on my mind lately.....

So, here it is. I've been struggling with alot of things lately. All to do with my precious son Trevor. He would be 19 weeks old tomorrow. He would be able to giggle now. :) He is such a big part of my life. I love him more than words can say. I dont love him anymore than I love Landon, but it is a different kind of love. I guess because I am aching and longing to hold him so bad... just one more time. I am regretting that I didnt hold him longer than what I did. I did give him a bath, dress him, then hold him and let the Aunts, Uncles, and Grand-parents hold him. I then held him more, looking at his beautiful face while I rocked him and sang to him. I remember praying that he would open his eyes, or make some kind of noise so I would know he wasnt gone. I remember thinking that this just had to be a dream. There is no way that this could ever happen to me. You hear of it happening to other people, but never imagine that it would happen to you. It is harder that I ever imagined to it be. Not that I ever imagined loosing a child. For several nights after we lost him , I had the same dream where we would go to the Funeral Home to see him one more time, and by some miracle, he would come back alive. I would hear him crying through the casket, or when we would look at him his eyes would open. The first time I went to the Funeral Home after he died, I remember wishing that this dream would come true. The dreams stopped for a while, but lately they have started coming back. I am lucky to get 4 or 5 hours sleep a night. When I first seen the white casket that he was in, it was so small. I didnt imagine that it would be that little, but then again, he was only 36 days old. He was little...he was a newborn baby. When I lay my head down, my mind starts racing to all these "what if's". I know there is nothing else that I could have done to prevented this. I know people think that I am being ungratful, because I have another healthy child at home, but its not Trevor. They are two totally different children. I still long to pick Trevor up and smother him with kisses. The house will be quite and I will imagine hearing the baby coo's and cry's. I will wake up from a deep sleep, thinking that I need to go check on him. I don't know if I will ever come to the realization that he isnt here, and he is never coming back. I remember praying to God one night, "Lord, please please bring my baby back to me. I need him, he needs me. You raised Lazarus up, I KNOW you can, Lord. I will never ask you for anything else if you do this one thing for me." It may be selfish if me to still be wanting him here with me, when he is in a much better place. But I can't help it. My body longs to hold a newborn baby. I want to get up in the middle of the night with him, I want to go days without sleep because I cant stop starring at his beautiful face. I still need him so much. I am so thankful that I have Landon. He has helped me and Dustin get through this. If it wasnt for him, and his wonderful personality, I really don't know how we would have made it. I am so terrified that something will happen to him. I guess because I have felt the pain and grief of loosing one child, that it is a constant fear of mine now. We are just going to have to take every day hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. I would also like to thank everyone for all the prayers and concerns. Please dont stop. We still need them.