What's been on my mind lately.....

So, here it is. I've been struggling with alot of things lately. All to do with my precious son Trevor. He would be 19 weeks old tomorrow. He would be able to giggle now. :) He is such a big part of my life. I love him more than words can say. I dont love him anymore than I love Landon, but it is a different kind of love. I guess because I am aching and longing to hold him so bad... just one more time. I am regretting that I didnt hold him longer than what I did. I did give him a bath, dress him, then hold him and let the Aunts, Uncles, and Grand-parents hold him. I then held him more, looking at his beautiful face while I rocked him and sang to him. I remember praying that he would open his eyes, or make some kind of noise so I would know he wasnt gone. I remember thinking that this just had to be a dream. There is no way that this could ever happen to me. You hear of it happening to other people, but never imagine that it would happen to you. It is harder that I ever imagined to it be. Not that I ever imagined loosing a child. For several nights after we lost him , I had the same dream where we would go to the Funeral Home to see him one more time, and by some miracle, he would come back alive. I would hear him crying through the casket, or when we would look at him his eyes would open. The first time I went to the Funeral Home after he died, I remember wishing that this dream would come true. The dreams stopped for a while, but lately they have started coming back. I am lucky to get 4 or 5 hours sleep a night. When I first seen the white casket that he was in, it was so small. I didnt imagine that it would be that little, but then again, he was only 36 days old. He was little...he was a newborn baby. When I lay my head down, my mind starts racing to all these "what if's". I know there is nothing else that I could have done to prevented this. I know people think that I am being ungratful, because I have another healthy child at home, but its not Trevor. They are two totally different children. I still long to pick Trevor up and smother him with kisses. The house will be quite and I will imagine hearing the baby coo's and cry's. I will wake up from a deep sleep, thinking that I need to go check on him. I don't know if I will ever come to the realization that he isnt here, and he is never coming back. I remember praying to God one night, "Lord, please please bring my baby back to me. I need him, he needs me. You raised Lazarus up, I KNOW you can, Lord. I will never ask you for anything else if you do this one thing for me." It may be selfish if me to still be wanting him here with me, when he is in a much better place. But I can't help it. My body longs to hold a newborn baby. I want to get up in the middle of the night with him, I want to go days without sleep because I cant stop starring at his beautiful face. I still need him so much. I am so thankful that I have Landon. He has helped me and Dustin get through this. If it wasnt for him, and his wonderful personality, I really don't know how we would have made it. I am so terrified that something will happen to him. I guess because I have felt the pain and grief of loosing one child, that it is a constant fear of mine now. We are just going to have to take every day hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. I would also like to thank everyone for all the prayers and concerns. Please dont stop. We still need them.

Christmas Pictures!

This was my first time using Geoff Hughes, and I love him! He got some really great shots, seeing he was dealing with some very grumpy clients! (Aunt Dawn didn't make Landon or Bryce take a nap before pictures!) They were both winnie the whole time. We finally had to get some mini M&M's out and let them eat them while posing for some pictures. The next time we got to Geoff, they boys will be rested up! Here is a sneak peek of some poses we got!

Wesley Bryce

My nephew, Bryce, just turned 1 in Sep. He is in to EVERYTHING! He goes non-stop, 100 miles per hour! He is the cutest little thing and he can tell you what a dog, cat, and race car says. He can say my name, NeNe, and when he sees Landon he shouts, LANDON! He has now learned what Santa says. You ask him what does Santa say, and he says, "HoHo"! I could eat him up! He loves to be silly and he has to have his "poppy". I dont know what they are going to do when they try and take the poppy from him. He loves it! He loves Candy, and calls anything sweet "cookie". If he sees chocolate or any kind of candy, he HAS to have it. He hates milk, unless it has stawberry or chocolate syrup in it, and hates to drink water. He loves to be given a chicken leg, and dont you dare try and take it from him or he will scream his head off. He eats great and loves food! He loves Monkeys and even has one that hangs from his poppy! He loves his mommy and is definelty going to be a Momma's boy. I cant wait to see how good of friends him and Landon are going to be. They will be getting into all kinds of trouble!

He would be 17 weeks now....

We are trying so hard to get through these holidays. We miss our little Trevor so much. We wonder what he would be doing now, and who he would look like now. Our hearts hurt so much. We are broken inside and are just taking one day at a time. There isnt a day that goes by that we dont think or talk of him. He was a very special little baby that we miss more and more everyday. It is getting harder and harder to get through each and every day. As I was decorating our house, I told Dustin, "There should be 4 stockings hanging from our fireplace instead of 3. There should be extra presents under the tree for Trevor. We should be putting a little tree up in his room, not on his grave." I don't understand why this happened to us. I do know that bad things happen to good people, but I never imagined loosing our son. Even though he isnt physically here with us, he will always be in our hearts and minds. We love him so much and we know he is enjoying his first Christmas in Heaven.

Its Hot Coco time!!!

Landon really enjoyed his first taste of coco! Me and Dustin really enjoyed getting to fix him some hot chocolate for the first time. This was something that we both did when we were young, and now we are starting our own family traditions. This is truly the best time of year!

Still my Clemson boy.....

Landon is really into football right now, especially if Clemson or Carolina is playing. He will sit on the couch with Dustin during the entire football game, and not move. Even though clemson lost, he still will wear his tiger paw on his face. All though Daddy doesnt like Landon wearing ANYTHING to do with Clemson, he did let me put this paw on his face. Daddy says that Landon will be a Carolina fan all the way when he grows up, but Landon will have to make that decision on his own!

Early Birthday Present!

First night in his bed

Since Landon's birthday is so close to Christmas(Dec. 19th), we usually get bombarded with all kinds of toys within a weeks time. This year, we decided for his big birthday present from us, we would get him a bedroom suite. We went ahead and went with the full size, seeing we may need to climb in there one night, and when he gets older and has friends over, they can all pile into one bed. He loves his new big boy bed. We still have to paint his room, and decorate it, but he loves it just the way it is!

My Little Indian!

Landon before his party.

Landon's 2k class had a Thanksgiving Party. Dustin couldn't go, but My mom(mama) and Dustin's Dad(grandaddy) went with me! Those little "indians" were soooo cute! He had a blast and we took plenty of pictures for Daddy!

He hasn't forgotten him....

Last night after supper, Landon went and sat on the couch. He had a book in his hand and after looking at it closer, I realized it was Trevor's photo album. It broke my heart. I went over there and sat down with him,as he looked through the album. Trevor had alot of stuff he was hooked up to, ventilator, blood pressure cuff, heart monitor, and ect. It overwhelmed Landon and he kept asking, "What happened to Trevor?", "He got a boo-boo?" I just kept telling him that Trevor didnt feel good and was sick. I know that Landon still remembers him. We talked about him for over 9 months and even moved Landon to the extra bedroom and turned his room into Trevor's. The other night I was in the Kitchen cleaning up, and Landon was looking in all the cabinets saying, "I can't find him mommy, I cant find him." I said, "What are you looking for Landon?", thinking he had misplaced a toy or something. He said, "I cant find Baby Trevor." Again, it felt like my heart stopped beating, and I just stood there staring at Landon with a solid look on his face. He really was trying to find his baby brother. I know that we will never forget him and he will be talked about all the time. Me and Dustin laughed and cried thinking about what we would have dressed Trevor up for this Halloween. I'll be honest, I didnt feel like getting out and "celebrating" Halloween this year, but I did it for Landon. I must continue to do things for him even though it hurts to think that I should always be caring around another child, no matter where I go, or what I'm doing. I can't quite understand how I can miss someone so much, and only had him for such a short time. It helps to have someone to talk to. I don't know what I would do if I didnt have Mom, Dawn or Dustin. I went and visited Trevor's grave Tuesday, and as soon as I left I had to call Mom. She listened to me cry and grieve over him for about 30 minutes, and would have longer if I needed her. It makes me feel so great that Trevor will never be forgotten. His memories will live on forver. We love and miss you sweet baby of mine.

2K Halloween Party

Landon's 2K class had a Halloween Party on Friday. Landon went as a monkey! Me and Daddy couldnt be there because I had to have out-patient surgery that day, but Amber went with her little boy, Jackson, who is in the same class with Landon, and took some pictures for us! Thank you so much Amber! It looks like Landon had a blast!

Cookies!!!

Sunday afternoon was the perfect weather for baking some warm chocolate chip cookies! Landon even decorated some with sprinkels! Me, Daddy, and Landon enjoyed our cookies with some cold milk! I cant wait for some more days like this!

It's a Pirate... no its a Carolina Football Player!

This year for Halloween, Landon wanted to be a pirate! So we went and got him the outfit and was pretty confident that was what he was going to be. We were about to walk out the door, when Landon decided he wanted to be a Gamecock Football Player. Now that football season is here, he is really getting in to the games(I think he just like standing in front of the TV with Daddy hollering at the Refs and football players). Well, we had the pants, Carolina jersey, and hat so we threw it together. I went and got some black lipstick to put under his eyes and he thought he was the toughest football player ever! He kept showing everyone his black eyes! He was tough and when we woke up the next morning to go to Church, he wanted to wear the black strips again! I had to convince him to wait until we got home! I told Dustin that next year he was going to be a Clemson Football player, and he said that was going too far! I hate my little man was a Carolina football player the same night they blew their game, but Landon is a true Carolina fan!

Jack-O-Lantern

We had a blast carving our very first pumpkin together. Landon had a blast and loved getting the "yucky" stuff out of the pumpkin. We went outside every night and lit the pumpkin. That was Landon's favorite part. We cant wait until next year so we can do this all over again!