What's been on my mind lately.....

So, here it is. I've been struggling with alot of things lately. All to do with my precious son Trevor. He would be 19 weeks old tomorrow. He would be able to giggle now. :) He is such a big part of my life. I love him more than words can say. I dont love him anymore than I love Landon, but it is a different kind of love. I guess because I am aching and longing to hold him so bad... just one more time. I am regretting that I didnt hold him longer than what I did. I did give him a bath, dress him, then hold him and let the Aunts, Uncles, and Grand-parents hold him. I then held him more, looking at his beautiful face while I rocked him and sang to him. I remember praying that he would open his eyes, or make some kind of noise so I would know he wasnt gone. I remember thinking that this just had to be a dream. There is no way that this could ever happen to me. You hear of it happening to other people, but never imagine that it would happen to you. It is harder that I ever imagined to it be. Not that I ever imagined loosing a child. For several nights after we lost him , I had the same dream where we would go to the Funeral Home to see him one more time, and by some miracle, he would come back alive. I would hear him crying through the casket, or when we would look at him his eyes would open. The first time I went to the Funeral Home after he died, I remember wishing that this dream would come true. The dreams stopped for a while, but lately they have started coming back. I am lucky to get 4 or 5 hours sleep a night. When I first seen the white casket that he was in, it was so small. I didnt imagine that it would be that little, but then again, he was only 36 days old. He was little...he was a newborn baby. When I lay my head down, my mind starts racing to all these "what if's". I know there is nothing else that I could have done to prevented this. I know people think that I am being ungratful, because I have another healthy child at home, but its not Trevor. They are two totally different children. I still long to pick Trevor up and smother him with kisses. The house will be quite and I will imagine hearing the baby coo's and cry's. I will wake up from a deep sleep, thinking that I need to go check on him. I don't know if I will ever come to the realization that he isnt here, and he is never coming back. I remember praying to God one night, "Lord, please please bring my baby back to me. I need him, he needs me. You raised Lazarus up, I KNOW you can, Lord. I will never ask you for anything else if you do this one thing for me." It may be selfish if me to still be wanting him here with me, when he is in a much better place. But I can't help it. My body longs to hold a newborn baby. I want to get up in the middle of the night with him, I want to go days without sleep because I cant stop starring at his beautiful face. I still need him so much. I am so thankful that I have Landon. He has helped me and Dustin get through this. If it wasnt for him, and his wonderful personality, I really don't know how we would have made it. I am so terrified that something will happen to him. I guess because I have felt the pain and grief of loosing one child, that it is a constant fear of mine now. We are just going to have to take every day hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. I would also like to thank everyone for all the prayers and concerns. Please dont stop. We still need them.

Christmas Pictures!

This was my first time using Geoff Hughes, and I love him! He got some really great shots, seeing he was dealing with some very grumpy clients! (Aunt Dawn didn't make Landon or Bryce take a nap before pictures!) They were both winnie the whole time. We finally had to get some mini M&M's out and let them eat them while posing for some pictures. The next time we got to Geoff, they boys will be rested up! Here is a sneak peek of some poses we got!

Wesley Bryce

My nephew, Bryce, just turned 1 in Sep. He is in to EVERYTHING! He goes non-stop, 100 miles per hour! He is the cutest little thing and he can tell you what a dog, cat, and race car says. He can say my name, NeNe, and when he sees Landon he shouts, LANDON! He has now learned what Santa says. You ask him what does Santa say, and he says, "HoHo"! I could eat him up! He loves to be silly and he has to have his "poppy". I dont know what they are going to do when they try and take the poppy from him. He loves it! He loves Candy, and calls anything sweet "cookie". If he sees chocolate or any kind of candy, he HAS to have it. He hates milk, unless it has stawberry or chocolate syrup in it, and hates to drink water. He loves to be given a chicken leg, and dont you dare try and take it from him or he will scream his head off. He eats great and loves food! He loves Monkeys and even has one that hangs from his poppy! He loves his mommy and is definelty going to be a Momma's boy. I cant wait to see how good of friends him and Landon are going to be. They will be getting into all kinds of trouble!

He would be 17 weeks now....

We are trying so hard to get through these holidays. We miss our little Trevor so much. We wonder what he would be doing now, and who he would look like now. Our hearts hurt so much. We are broken inside and are just taking one day at a time. There isnt a day that goes by that we dont think or talk of him. He was a very special little baby that we miss more and more everyday. It is getting harder and harder to get through each and every day. As I was decorating our house, I told Dustin, "There should be 4 stockings hanging from our fireplace instead of 3. There should be extra presents under the tree for Trevor. We should be putting a little tree up in his room, not on his grave." I don't understand why this happened to us. I do know that bad things happen to good people, but I never imagined loosing our son. Even though he isnt physically here with us, he will always be in our hearts and minds. We love him so much and we know he is enjoying his first Christmas in Heaven.

Its Hot Coco time!!!

Landon really enjoyed his first taste of coco! Me and Dustin really enjoyed getting to fix him some hot chocolate for the first time. This was something that we both did when we were young, and now we are starting our own family traditions. This is truly the best time of year!

Still my Clemson boy.....

Landon is really into football right now, especially if Clemson or Carolina is playing. He will sit on the couch with Dustin during the entire football game, and not move. Even though clemson lost, he still will wear his tiger paw on his face. All though Daddy doesnt like Landon wearing ANYTHING to do with Clemson, he did let me put this paw on his face. Daddy says that Landon will be a Carolina fan all the way when he grows up, but Landon will have to make that decision on his own!

Early Birthday Present!

First night in his bed

Since Landon's birthday is so close to Christmas(Dec. 19th), we usually get bombarded with all kinds of toys within a weeks time. This year, we decided for his big birthday present from us, we would get him a bedroom suite. We went ahead and went with the full size, seeing we may need to climb in there one night, and when he gets older and has friends over, they can all pile into one bed. He loves his new big boy bed. We still have to paint his room, and decorate it, but he loves it just the way it is!

My Little Indian!

Landon before his party.

Landon's 2k class had a Thanksgiving Party. Dustin couldn't go, but My mom(mama) and Dustin's Dad(grandaddy) went with me! Those little "indians" were soooo cute! He had a blast and we took plenty of pictures for Daddy!