Play Date at Byerly Park

Since Dawn is off this week, I met her at her house today after I got out of school and we took the boys to the park. We had a great time catching up on everything and watching the boys play. They were so good and Bryce wanted to do everything that Landon did. Landon told us, "Bryce is my buddy and he is happy to me." Ha, that's what Landon says when he means someone is glad to be with him. After about 20 minutes of playing, Landon's shoes came off. Then, about 10 minutes after that, one of Bryce's shoes came off. He played a while with one shoe on and one shoe off, and then Landon decided to take his other shoe off! We stayed out there for over an hour. The boys were filthy! I am about to give Landon a bath and get him ready for bed. I have to work tomorrow ALL DAY! I don't know how I am going to feel having to work all day long! I love being part-time and going to school. I get to do so much stuff and play with Landon a lot! Dustin wants to know why we didn't do this sooner! He loves me being part-time because every night he has came home this week to a hot supper and even dessert every night! So let me get off this computer because I have a feeling me and Landon are going to need a lot of rest tonight because we have a full day ahead of us tomorrow! Goodnight!

Angel's Embrace

Dawn went to the Beach this past week, and brought me home a present! I love getting presents! It was a Willow Tree Ornament, and it was of an angel holding a baby. It was titled, "Angel's Embrace." I love it and it immediately went into my curio with the other ones. Thanks Dawn. I love you VERY much and don't know what I would ever do without you!

Homemade Cheese Cake - Take two

This cake turned out much better than the first. I had a feel on how to make the crust even all the way around. Dustin and Landon had this cake to themselves, even though I had 3 pieces and D's mom and dad came over for another slice! :) I told Dustin I was going to bake one for my cousin, who let me "borrow" her TI-84 calculator this semester, but he said he just doesn't know how he is going to let me bake a cake in our house, then take it to someone else to enjoy. Ha! I love how he always says my cooking is the best. It makes me feel so good! :)

Dustin's all-time FAVORITE cake is a cream cheese cake. His birthday is in September, so I found this recipe for a New York Style homemade cream cheese cake. I decided to try it out before his birthday, so I fixed it this morning. It had to cool in the refrigerator for about 6 hours, which was the hard part b/c I had to keep Landon and Dustin from digging in it. It turned out GREAT and we have already had some and my mom and Dad are on there way now to get some too. They have specific orders to fix Dawn a piece and take it to her tonight when they leave! I hope they enjoy it as much as we did!!!

I made it.....barely.

I collect Willow Tree figurines and when I seen this one, I knew I had to get it for Trevor's birthday. It's kinda like a present from him, to me. I. miss. him. I just love how she has her hand over her heart, like her heart is hurting. I knew that this was me. I sometimes feel like I have a sign over my head that says, "I miss you Trevor." I tend to wear my emotions on my face, like my mom, and I am trying to wrok better on that, for Landon's sake. He will see my crying and come and get on my lap and say, "Mommy, why are you crying? You miss Trevor?" He knows how I am hurting , but I also want him to know that I love him dearly and will ALWAYS be here for him, no matter what. Mommy loves you too Landon!

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. When I woke up, my first thought was, "Today is the 1st birthday of my precious son, and I can't share this day with him." My heart felt very heavy and hard. I was really undecided on how I wanted to celebrate his birthday. I actually didn't go get him a cake until Sunday afternoon. I went to Bilo with Dawn and got a cake that they had already prepared, and just got them to write "Happy Birthday Trevor" on it. I still had Landon's "1" candle from his first Birthday cake, so I just used it. Landon was really confused about it being Trevor's birthday. We were talking about it on the way to church, and Landon said, "Trevor's not a baby anymore? If he has a birthday now then he cant be a baby, but a big boy." I told him Trevor was still a small baby. And to me, he is still just 5 weeks old. Dustin and I went into Trevor's room, and just went through all his stuff that we had gotten him. All his clothes, toys, bath wash, and looked at the new changing table/dresser we got him. We fell in love with that dresser when we first saw it. We got it from an antique store in Hartsville, and it was the perfect size to use as a changing table, then as a dresser when he got older, and it matched his crib. When the man told us how much it was, Dustin reached into his pocket, and had the exact amount the man asked for it. We knew that was a sign that it was meant for us to get it. One day while we were in the NICU waiting room, I was having one of my many breakdowns and Dustin said, "Denise, you remember the changing table we got him?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Remember I had the exact amount the man wanted for it in my pocket. That was a sign that we needed to get it. And we WILL be using it for him." I clung to those words. Even after Trevor was gone, I remember telling Dustin, "You told me everything was going to be ok. That we were going to use his changing table." I still have my bad days, and not-so-bad days. I was going to go visit is grave yesterday, but I didn't. I wanted it to be a happy day, and I knew that me going there wasn't going to make it better. No Mother wants to visit their child's grave on their birthday. I know he's not there. So I didn't see any point of making it worse on me or anyone else for that matter. So Happy Birthday my little Angel. Mommy loves you very much!

Happy Birthday Trevor, From Landon

Happy 1st Birthday Trevor!

Cutest Big Brother

Dearest Trevor,

Happy Birthday baby boy. Mommy, Daddy, and your Big Brother miss you very much. I can't believe it has already been a year. As crazy as it sounds, I don't see you as a 1 year old. You still are my 5 week old baby. I know you must be having a great time spending your first birthday in Heaven. I can only imagine how spoiled you must be. You have several grandparents and family with you. I know they are taking good care of you. I can imagine that you are learning to walk, and what a joy it must be to see you wobbling down the streets of gold. You have got to be the cutest little angel in Heaven. I wish I could just peek and look at you. I bet you are the spitting image of your daddy. I have been dreading and anticipating this day since you left us. I just didn't know how I could handle not begin able to celebrate this big day with you. And actually, I am having a pretty hard time right now. Today, August 8th, is one of the most happiest days of my life. I am so proud of you still for the fight you put up. I went in your room last night, and got out my "Trevor" box. It is a beautiful blue box that I have alot of stuff in it of yours. It has the outfit Daddy and I dressed you in after we gave you a bath, your pacifier, your blanket, some diapers and wipes, your NICU bracelets and sooo much more. Only good memories are in there. I held your birth certificate and the paper with you footprints, birth weight and measurements on it. I cried. I cried for you. I love you and miss you so much. I feel such an emptiness because I don't have you here. Landon still talks about you all the time. He want to know when you are coming back. I try to explain to him that you can't come back to us, but that we have to come to you. And we will one day baby. I promise. I hope you are having a great day today. Remember: Mommy loves you so much. Happy 1st Birthday Trevor.